Storm Aftermath

Thursday was quite a day!  My husband and I had planned to go to Illinois to see my daughters and grandson--we had everything ready to go (found someone to watch our house, talked with my husband's employer and had everything packed but a few extra clothes)...woke up Thursday morning and started making coffee.  I noticed that the water pressure was extremely low, so I used our bottled water instead, thinking maybe something was just clogged.  My husband got up and tried to unclog the filters in both the kitchen sink and the bathroom to no avail.  We thought maybe it would be better as the day went on (sometimes, living in a rural area and sharing a well, the pressure isn't what it could be), but as the day went on it got worse.  I wanted to throw some clothes in the washer to clean so we could take them with on the trip, but...just a trickle!!  My husband and I knew we had to find out how to take care of it, but since our neighbor who we share the well with was gone, we spoke with the person watching their house, and he offered to see if he could find someone to fix it......................well, it's Friday and guess what?  FINALLY have water pressure!  As if that wasn't the topper, there was the weather...

In the afternoon, we started hearing warnings on the radio and saw the path of the storm on the television.  It started around 4 or 5 and by 6 we were in a full blown thunderstorm with a tornado watch.  The thunder grew louder and the lightening was a bright spot in the sky every few minutes.  The sounds were much like the fourth of July, without pretty colors...the wind, rain and then the hail...the thunder changed in sound and became just a rolling thunder (much like a freight train)..we heard the sirens and I knew the tornado was upon us.  We don't have a basement so we crouched on the floor with our animals crowded around us.  After some time, amid the thunder and the lightening and the rain, it grew quiet.  Deathly still.  The rumbling sounds were closer and suddenly we were enclosed in dark-the power had gone out, so now we had nothing...no radio, no lights, nothing.  After it finally calmed down, we got up, gathered some candles and sat at the table in the dark, looking at the lightening still flashing outside, and then we started to see cars, many of them, driving down our street.  We saw a firetruck with firemen, and the firemen were actually checking on all of us to see if we were okay.  They did house checks on everyone in our small town to make sure all were accounted for, and it was such a great feeling to know there were people who wanted to check on you, to make sure you were okay.  It was much later and then my husband suggested we start up the generator (we have a small one that can power up necessities) so we did, and after about a half an hour (this is in the early mornings) the lights finally came on, and we were finally able to go to bed to rest...

The next morning, pictures of the tornadoes (all over Minnesota) were devastating.  We had branches and trees down in our area, but nothing like the horrendous pictures we saw in other areas.  I was grateful we survived, but felt for the others who had lost their homes, and saying prayers for those who did not make it out of this tremendous storm.  All said, I read that there were more than 60 sightings of tornadoes in our state.  All over the state, and in Southern MN there was a large cluster.  We did make it through, and will continue on and take care of what we have to..

All About The Mind

Here's my thought for today,

Not much to say today..it's been a series of ups and downs today.  Mostly downs...not sure why but I know this too, shall pass.  Some financial issues (doesn't everyone have them these days???) but my husband tells me not to worry, so I'm trying.  It's a struggle, but I need to stay positive.  Old feelings came back, the anger, the grief, (yes!) and the pain of loss.  My future is bright, but still have trouble letting go of the past.

Later,

Back To School!

My first day actually doing something for school...school really doesn't start until next week, but I joined a couple of workshops to get me "in the mode" for school...now I have assignments, reading material, and questions to ponder.  It's great!!!  I have deadlines for each day, and at the end of the week there will be a "test" of sorts. What a feeling of empowerment and usefulness!  I feel a sense of direction and purpose, and it's great.  The stress is there, but this time it's a positive kind.  SERIOUSLY!!  I don't have the negative stressors that I had before.  I could listen to some former business associates and allow myself to go back down there, but I've adapted a different strategy; listen to them, empathise, and move on.

The time I'm spending with my husband has been so rewarding lately.  I feel like things are changing so much for the better as I have more positive things to think about.  Certainly, the idea of my not having a job at this moment is worrisome, but I know that if I continue to look I can find something while I'm doing my schooling.  For now, I'm told to relax and enjoy-so that's what I'm doing.

Haven't talked with my daughters for a few days.  Left a message, but I'm sure they're busy with their lives and will call me when they can.  I miss them.  My husband and I discussed flying there to see them, but the dollar signs were too much.  Now it seems our next plan is a drive (approximately 6 hours one way) which will be less expensive than a flight.  I think we'll probably stay at a hotel, rather than have them put us up, as it can be a burden to their lifestyles.  Whatever, that will be an enjoyable trip.  I can't wait!

Have to go back to studies..later!

Time For Study

I had to go to the SSA to correct some issues with my number and now am on my way to becoming a full-time student again.  Excited is a calm version of what I feel at the moment and it feels exhilarating to know that I will once again have a direction.  I have an email for school now and some workshops start tomorrow.  I signed up for two and assignments have to be completed by the end of the week.  I told my school counselor I didn't want to wait--I needed to do something so voila!

I have had to turn down two job offers because of the non-compete form I signed when I joined the company I just left.  Suffice to say that I will be checking into that further to see if there's anything I can do, but the form is fairly clear cut.  Once again, that area is something I can't focus on too long about or it will consume me.  I've found that if I talk with certain friends I used to work with the feelings return, so I try to direct them to something else other than what is happening there.  I do not need to know anymore!

Hubby is working today; may be working late (almost like two shifts).  God knows we need the money, and we still want to see my daughters and grandson, but it gets lonely.  Haven't heard from my daughters for a few days so I'm going to call later and make sure all is well with them.

My focus for today:  Be thankful,

Sunday..Relaxation and Rest

Today, Sunday..relaxation rest, and no thoughts of what had happened to me.  I spent the morning with my husband, just chatting and doing nothing but clearing my mind of the garbage.  I know tomorrow will be a full day, but today, the gears are winding down.

Thinking about going to visit my daughters in a week or so, hubby and I are going to discuss when and how.  That brings me to my husband..he's been so supportive of this whole thing--and since he knows the people I worked with it's easy for him to understand and relate, and tell me to "Relax and know it wasn't me"...he saw me get up many mornings at o'dark thirty and work until late in the afternoon, so It's wonderful to hear him tell me it's my turn to take care of myself, and since he's been there to support it, it brings a feeling of thankfulness in my heart...

I'm thankful I have my health and family and friends...and each day will be just a bit better than the one before, because I made it.

Weekend Reflection

My morning started out with somewhat of a depression lingering over news of the previous day, but a call from my daughter and her husband brought my spirits up.  She's right-it's okay and natural to feel rollercoaster feelings, but I can't let it consume me.  Soooooooooooo...today will be my day for relaxation and mindless fun.  Just enjoying life and appreciating the fact that I still have one.  Maybe I'll make something in Photoshop for my daughters and their families (and grandson!!) or my husband..always gets my mind in a creative mode.  That I think is what I will do!  Have a wonderful day, and check in later,

More News!

Talked to an old friend in my former area of expertise...she said, "Good for you!!!  I'm glad you got out because they are NOT who they say they are!!"..and proceeded to tell me about certain situations that they acted extremely unprofessionally.  We'll see what happens, but remember, just because we are the "little people" doesn't mean we are not "people" JUST LIKE THEM and they cannot get away with this.

Interesting Information Today!

Found out information about my job situation today that makes me ill to my stomach.  Since I signed an agreement obviously I cannot state the company, but suffice to say I was set up!!!  Several reliable sources stepped up to let me know the "plans" about my future, well before the termination date.  It included training someone to fill my position without my knowledge, advising that person to NOT do their duties as I requested, and other interesting tidbits.  I know now that there has been slander against me as a person, and I am still thinking about what to do about it.  What happened to having a good job???

Some people are ruthless and don't care about the "little people" or the "worker bees" as someone in upper management told me at one time.  If you have just gotten fired, WAIT before you sign something to release you from the company and find out all the facts.  I wish to God I had.

Friday--What A Week

I finally decided to do it.  Yes...go back to school.  It has been giving me a sense of empowerment ever since I made the decision.  I've had it in my head for months, but somehow it wasn't the right time.  Well, I can't see a better time than now! I have other things going on in my head too, but one thing at a time.

It feels good to know that I am in charge of my life again.  Feels like I haven't been for sometime and it's like a breath of fresh air.  I realize that the money will become extremely tight, and many things will go by the wayside while I pursue this, but it will be worth it in the end.  I have a very good feeling about it.

My daughter and husband are behind me one hundred percent; haven't had a chance to speak w/my other daughter yet although I have a feeling she'll be on the same wavelength.  After all, they are the ones who let the idea seep into my head the last year......

Have to wait for more paperwork.  The website was not working properly so some of the paperwork has not been totally processed yet.  I will have to wait a few days, but could be in class as early as June 15th!  I plan on seeing my daughters with my husband for a few days before that--what a pleasure that will be to see them and my grandson.

This morning, when I woke up, though..those doubts and fears and anxieties were still all there.  "What could I have done better?? Why won't they tell me??"  The reminder that I must let it go helps me to move on--wash dishes, clean the house, make a phone call, get outside for awhile..anything to keep myself from going into that deep dark hole that I could if I let myself. 

School..maybe?

I know that things could be better--or worse...and here I think about what I did for so long and losing my job could very well be a great thing for me.  Someone told me earlier a saying that I remember from a long time ago...one door closes, another one opens.  I spoke with a representive of a local college about their programs, admission; all those things you do when you are considering going back to school.  The more I spoke with this person, the more I realized I needed to do something different...something I could be passionate about again.  Granted, there was nothing wrong with my profession before, although it wasn't really what I needed or wanted in my heart.  I'll know by tomorrow if this school is for me or not, and fill out all the paperwork that goes with it.  For now, research, research, research....and rest.

My mind goes in all sorts of directions.  One minute I'm excited and ready to tackle the world, the next I'm somber, sad and reflective, the moment after that I'm bitter and angry...fear sets in and the anxiety with it.  All I know is that I have to feel the feelings and go through the steps.  I really didn't think losing a job would be like a death, but it really is.  Almost all of the same feelings...the same stages one needs to go through..are there.  Maybe if I was younger it would not hurt as much, but at this time in my life, nearing the big 50 mark it brings with it so much more...again, I go through it and get back to feeling normal--at least for a little while.

Check in later,

The First Day

It finally happened...one day I had a job, starting at my usual time of 3:30 a.m. (usually worked until 4 or 5 p.m.) and then, just four hours after that--guess what? I receive a call to inform me that I no longer am of use to the company...wow.

The reasons given to me about my termination were what I supposed would happen--not meeting the goals given to me to work with my team on by the date specified. Problem was, that I was not given the opportunity to accomplish those. Why, you ask? With very little help--from my superiors and co-workers, and even less communication, what do you expect?? Someone had to be the scapegoat. That someone was me.

So, today is my first day of being "unemployed"..the word that sends shivers down a person's back when they hear it.....I had not been fired from a job--had always valued that in myself and wondered why someone would. It had to be their fault, was usually my first thought but when my husband was let go I knew that wasn't the case. His problem was that the company had closed. Shut down the doors with only a day's notice. He was unemployed for two years, trying to find work, looking online every day, making calls, going to anywhere that had an opening. Still, it wasn't working. At age 59 it was tough for him to continue to look for work in the particular field he was in-until one day a friend of mine happened to let him know about a possible job. Now HE'S back to work and I am not..funny how that works.

I filed for unemployment and was THAT something new! It took a few minutes online so now I wait...but while I'm waiting I'm checking out some schools. Why not go back? I don't think I'll go back to what I was doing before--so impersonal and totally based on numbers....I want to do something that actually means something...

Found a school that I like so we'll see what happens. Keep Posted!