2017- And What A Year It Will Be!

Welcome, gentle readers, and thank you for stopping by.  So much has happened since my last post. First of all, I am in remission for now--and how amazing that is!  I am so thankful for that, and want to enjoy the feeling as long as I can!  Knowing that I have fought like my Cancer Warrior Sisters (like Mary, Lorri, Robin and so many others on FB) taught me shows that my Lord is here, gently guiding me to whatever path He has for me.  My responsibility is also to the ones who fought to the end, never giving up, no matter the obstacles or the pain.  Their experience, strength, and hope paved the way for me to be here today, and because of their trials and tribulations, I can now walk a wider path. Granted, the path has not been easy, but with their help, the support of my family, my husband by my side, and the Lord as my guide, I have made it to 2017.  Hallelujah!  I thank you, dear friends and family, and above all, I thank you, Lord, for that. What a gift!  What a treasure!  Not to be taken lightly--ever.  One thing I have been reminded of: Blessings continue to abound, but sometimes we have to look through the turmoil and confusion in order to see them, but they are there dear readers...they are there.

What a year it will be, huh?  We will have a billionaire reality star as the next president, and he is friends with Russia...it will be interesting in the political arena.  In the national news, Isis is still out there, but our military, along with those of our allies, is strong, and I believe they will keep us safe. We must pray for the world, however.  So much division.  We must work together to fight the forces that threaten our unions with other countries, as well as our democracy itself.  This is where our faith needs to be strong and we have to hold on to HOPE.  No matter what religion (Muslim, Christian, Shahid, Jewish)...we all believe, and we must keep our unity and our faith in others during this tumultuous time.

News on the home front: My husband and I were given the privilege of becoming guardians and caring for my little granddaughter, Isabelle (we call her Isa) while my daughter was going through a crisis situation. Even though I was working at the time, I dove headfirst into the challenge.  What a joy it was! 

Let's back up a bit so I can update you on the work situation. After my last recurrence and subsequent recovery, my mind began to contemplate the idea of returning to work.  The key to returning to work successfully, I reasoned, was to start with work that was relatively stress-free to get my strength back. This was a way for me to "test the waters" before jumping back into a high stress working environment.  My first application was a fairly simple online process, and just a day or so after applying, I received a call.  Within a week I was hired as a Customer Service Manager because the Assistant Manager told me it would be a better fit for me within the company.  Even though my intention was to start part -time and with a less stressful position, I found myself accepting the full-time position offered to me, and jumping in with both feet.

While I loved the people I worked with and all of the customers, it wasn't long before I realized that this was "too much, too soon".   I found out fairly quickly that the hectic and stressful position required me to be "on my game" at all times.  Assisting in helping with customer requests (sometimes requiring going from one end of the store to the other quickly--especially if no one else was available), dealing with cashier complaints and issues, and verifying any and all transactions at the service desk, were just a few of the job responsibilities.  To me, the work was fun and exhilarating, but my body was fighting back.  I ended up in the emergency room several times, and because of the surgery on my lungs my capacity was not as good, and my immune system was compromised. This meant every time I had a cold, it was worse and usually ended up with bronchitis.  Sometimes I wound up in the hospital with pneumonia.

The final blow to me was in the spring of last year.  I was taking my lunch break, eating a steak sandwich in my car when I started choking on the sandwich.  Swallowing water and trying to cough had no effect.  I could feel my throat closing up on me. I staggered out of the car, clutching my throat.  I knew I had to get help quickly, but I couldn't talk, and by that time  I was finding it hard to focus on anything but trying to breathe.  Several customers rushed up to me, but it was my dear friend Kathy (a greeter from Walmart who had seen me through several other breathing incidents) who knelt down near me and tried to calm me.  Shortly afterward I lost consciousness.
I am told that when the paramedics arrived, they immediately performed the Heimlich maneuver on me, and I don't remember much until I was at the hospital.  The doctors kept me overnight, and after taking xrays of my chest (my ribs had been cracked) they also noticed there were spots on my lungs. I found out later that these were pneumonia, and once again I had to get my rest and recover.  My doctor advised me to stop working, period.   My health had been declining again since I started working, and in order to heal properly I would have to just not work for awhile, so this is what I am doing.  Funny how God puts things in our life, though...It was around this time when Isa came to stay with us, and she has been such an inspiration...a blessing from God.

She returned to her mother in October, but we are working to get time with her again--whether that be in a guardianship or custody role or visitation only is what we have been working on.  It's been a rollercoaster ride, but I know that this year will be interesting.  Our president-elect, Mr. Trump, will make politics exciting (but I hope safe), and the focus of this family will be our health, safety, and happiness.   So much to do, and so little time to do it...because we don't know how much time we have..:) Blessings to you and yours for a tremendous year!

Linda 

Not (Quite) There Yet

"Seems like the days turn into weeks and they turn into months, and before you know it, the years fly by.  After having no evidence of disease (NED) for a full year, the cancer came back in full force.  The focus this time, however, was one I was dreading from the time I was diagnosed.  The locations were my lungs--both of them."

Since my brother Jim passed away from terminal lung cancer, my fear of losing my life to the same type of cancer, though I know this is a silly thing to think of--but I remember how it was...that last month when he lived with us while we did hospice care for him.  Oh, if I had known how bad it was at that time, I would have insisted that he stay with us months earlier. But then, we are talking about my brother.  Nevertheless, I will always cherish the little time we were able to spend together.  I have some pictures of him near the end, and seeing them always makes me cry.  It just doesn't seem like the same person, so I choose to remember him as he lived--he could be loud, opinionated and gruff, but inside there was this caring, protective big-brother side that not many people saw except his siblings and family.  I know that, as he became worse, his one wish was that he was with family when it came time to go.  He was at our home with family, and I am so thankful that we were at least able to do that for him.  Nevertheless, I digress.

When I saw my oncologist, Dr. D, for my three-month review after my scheduled CT scan and bloodwork (I was so excited that I could go three months without seeing him!) he immediately sat me down and told me there were some issues.  My heart sank as soon as he told me where the spots were. It was at that point, once again that I realized just how thankful I was for my husband and my faith.  I knew I would need both if I were to get through this journey.  When my oncologist made arrangements to enter the hospital for a thoracotomy for my right lung, and cryosurgery for my left lung, I prayed for strength and healing.  The Lord has always been with me, and I knew that I needed to keep my faith strong, and my husband was insistent on being involved through every step--once again.   At around the same time I was being scheduled for my surgeries there was a trial going on through Mayo to register how effective cryosurgery was, and the surgery and aftercare would be paid for by the research group.  The researcher, along with the doctor, approached me about being involved in the study and I readily accepted. Once I healed from the thoracotomy, my cryosurgery was scheduled.  The thoracotomy was brutal, and the healing seemed to take a very long time, nevertheless I was excited to get the cryosurgery done. I wasn't sure what to expect after the cryosurgery, but I was able to leave the hospital the very next day, and for several months the doctors and researchers called in to check on me. After the surgery there was another round of chemotherapy to go through, but I knew what that was like, so I was ready

Since I was still on oxygen at home, I felt excited about the prospect of possibly being NED and becoming healthy enough to try to work again--even part time.  Slowly, but surely, I was feeling better and better, and finally in November of 2014, I decided to look for a part time position at a local retail chain, and was immediately asked if I'd like to take the Customer Service Manager position instead of being a cashier. After reading what the position entailed, I realized doing this would be a healthy way for me to exercise, as well as to interact with others.  This gave me a feeling of purpose, and being able to interact with others and share my faith through my actions was, and still is, rewarding.

 For the first month, the cancer did not seem like an issue, and at that point my chemotherapy was almost finished. However, because of the harsh winter,  severe colds and pneumonia plagued me, and because I was also doing chemotherapy, my immune systems were compromised.  I ended up in the hospital emergency room a few times for severe respiratory distress, as well as pneumonia.  About six months later, my oncologist (who, by sheer coincidence, had also been my brothers oncologist), retired.  This left me with an empty feeling--similar to being on a high wire with no safety net.  My thoughts turned once again to my Lord, and I knew I needed to ask for strength to continue to fight this deadly disease and the after-effects.  My husband, brothers, and parents were all there to help me through, and when they could, my children were there to comfort me--even if it was a phone call.  I knew they had my prayers.

When I was introduced to my next oncologist, (we'll call him Dr. G), it took me some time to get used to him. Though he was an excellent doctor, he was much younger and more direct than the gentle, fatherly attitude of Dr D.  After we became used to each other, the visits became friendlier and he began to understand my underlying fear of any lung conditions.  Each time my CT came back, his news was hopeful, at best.  There were still spots, and some were growing larger, but very slowly, and at the time it was decided to start me up again on chemotherapy because surgery was out of the question, due to the location of the spots.  I started with something different--chemotherapy pills.  I was excited--no going to the hospital for three-hour visits and taking my bag home for three days. While initially it sounded enticing, the reality was that for two weeks I would take the pills, morning and night, and then I would be off of them for two weeks. The effects of the pills were the same, if not worse, than what I experienced while on infusion therapy.  It seemed as if, just when I was recovering from the nausea and tiredness from the pills, it would be time again for me to take the pills.  Finally, after enduring this for several months, I asked Dr. G if I could finish the treatments out in Infusion Therapy at the clinic instead.  My symptoms were becoming more and more noticeable to others, and he noticed my decline as well, so it was mutually agreed that finishing up at the clinic would be easier on me.  During this time I met some ladies who had strong faith, and I was able to connect with a close friend from childhood that I stayed connected with, and she and I prayed together many times.  Another close childhood friend, who feels more like a sister to me, was also there (once again), to pray and to bring me to tears with her humour.

After my chemotherapy was finished, we saw very few spots, and the ones we saw were almost impossible to see without a close-up from the CT scan.  I was hopeful for the first time in many months.  I was given a cautiously positive outlook.  Even so, I knew that, for me, there would be many more months of careful watching and checking my CEA levels, as well as numerous CT scans.

My second oncologist also left the area, and I was introduced to my third (and I am hoping last) oncologist--Dr H.  He was a mixture of Dr. G and Dr D--the gentle, caring nature of Dr D and the efficient, let's get this done aura of Dr G.  The last CT scan has some irregularities and Dr H did not like what he was seeing, so he set me up for a PET scan.  When I received the results, he told me there were four areas to watch, though for now, nothing could be done.  In four weeks, I return once again to see if there are any changes in my CEA numbers (which have been consistently high but steady) or if the spots have become larger.


 I realize once again that the only thing I can do in situations like this is to put my faith and trust in the Lord.  Without Him I would not be alive to talk about any of this, and sometimes that knowledge overwhelms me. Given this information, I know that by sharing my faith and hope with others and continuing to be positive could help someone else who is struggling, and I believe that the good Lord is giving me ways to use my experience. While I haven't been able to do much more than work and rest, occasionally I have times when we can go visit my parents, my children, and even have them over.  I was able to see my youngest granddaughter, Isa, and it felt as if God gave me this gift of time for a reason.  It is up to me not to squander it.

Blessings to you all,

expect after

It's Been Awhile..

It has been so long since I've been here...life seems to have a way of doing that to a person.  After I dropped out of school after my cancer diagnosis, for a long time my days were occupied with going to the hospital, getting treatment and going home to wait out the inevitable effects of my chemo therapy...nausea, vomiting, fatigue, pain, and general malaise.  Two weeks later  I was starting the same routine all over again.  The most exciting day was last July, when I had my last chemo treatment (so far--fingers crossed).  Not having to have chemo has been both liberating and sobering.  Liberating, yes, because it was an indication that I was, at least for the moment, in remission.  Sobering, because there was no guarantee that my cancer would not come again.  Something one has to balance in the scheme of things, because if there is no balance between the worry, fear, and excitement, life begins to take on a decidedly dreamlike aura (and I would prefer to keep that at a minimum, thank you very much!)

Which brings me to what has been happening in my life recently.  Becoming a grandmother again, renewing friendships, and dealing with other physical issues seem to be the focus this month, at least.  My beautiful daughter had an amazing little girl whose name is Bella Rose Marie (no need to be maintream) and I am ecstatic! My only hope is that I can see both her and Mama soon, along with sis Heidi.  I'll keep it in God's hands and do what I can do down here.

The surgery I've had is surgery for my torn rotator cuff that I didn't even realize I had (can you believe it??).  How does one have a torn rotator cuffing without knowing????? I suppose for me it could be that so much was going on that my shoulder pain was low on my list of priorities...saving my life was more important!

Anyway, it's on week two and my shoulder still hurts tremendously...from what I've read and what my doctor tells me, I had at least another six to eight weeks of recovery left.  The good thing is that there is a rainbow at the end of this bridge.  Unlike cancer, there is a definite beginning, middle and end. I am grateful for that.

Actually, I'm grateful for a lot of things.  I don't think there's enough time in the day or paper in the world to list all that I'm grateful for, because it seems to grow and evolve every day.  In general, though, I think the world "everything" pretty much sums it all up. Have a blessed day,

Linda

End of 2011, Beginning of 2012--Fork in the Road

Hello all...I'll be sharing my new path soon, after I get all the information "public ready".  I was diagnosed with stage IV Colon Cancer (metastasised to my liver) and will be starting my chemo soon. So many events happened prior, that I need to "start at the beginning", sort of.  Just know that I am here today, thankful for what I have (and what I have not), and thankful for my Lord and my family and friends.  It's been a difficult few days, so rest for now, but more later.

Love and hope,
Linda

School and Such

Schooling has been going incredibly well.  I find that I have more motivation, and the students and teachers are fantastic!  It's a great feeling knowing that you are doing something to further yourself, and I just hope and pray that I continue to do well.  There are days, though, that I wonder...at my age?  Who am I kidding??  That's the time that I have to remember that there are so many that are even older than I that have gone and actually gotten their Masters or Doctorates!  As long as I can continue to go, and the money is there, I will keep on keeping on.  I am so glad I have such a support with my husband and daughters.  It was such a wonderful surprise that they decided to go as well...first one daughter, and then the other. 

The other day I had an assignment and my husband and I discussed it together.  Wow!!  He had some great insight for me!! I talk with one of my daughters daily about my progress as well, and I always love to hear her thoughts and opinions.  Today is supposed to be a "school free" day, but I find myself checking my mail and looking over my assignments  just to make sure everything has been done-and done well..Believe it or not, the other night I even had a nightmare that I got a "B" in class instead of acing it!!! MUST BE TIME FOR VACATION SOON!  On that note, I think I'll finish now.  Have a wonderful day!

Storm Aftermath

Thursday was quite a day!  My husband and I had planned to go to Illinois to see my daughters and grandson--we had everything ready to go (found someone to watch our house, talked with my husband's employer and had everything packed but a few extra clothes)...woke up Thursday morning and started making coffee.  I noticed that the water pressure was extremely low, so I used our bottled water instead, thinking maybe something was just clogged.  My husband got up and tried to unclog the filters in both the kitchen sink and the bathroom to no avail.  We thought maybe it would be better as the day went on (sometimes, living in a rural area and sharing a well, the pressure isn't what it could be), but as the day went on it got worse.  I wanted to throw some clothes in the washer to clean so we could take them with on the trip, but...just a trickle!!  My husband and I knew we had to find out how to take care of it, but since our neighbor who we share the well with was gone, we spoke with the person watching their house, and he offered to see if he could find someone to fix it......................well, it's Friday and guess what?  FINALLY have water pressure!  As if that wasn't the topper, there was the weather...

In the afternoon, we started hearing warnings on the radio and saw the path of the storm on the television.  It started around 4 or 5 and by 6 we were in a full blown thunderstorm with a tornado watch.  The thunder grew louder and the lightening was a bright spot in the sky every few minutes.  The sounds were much like the fourth of July, without pretty colors...the wind, rain and then the hail...the thunder changed in sound and became just a rolling thunder (much like a freight train)..we heard the sirens and I knew the tornado was upon us.  We don't have a basement so we crouched on the floor with our animals crowded around us.  After some time, amid the thunder and the lightening and the rain, it grew quiet.  Deathly still.  The rumbling sounds were closer and suddenly we were enclosed in dark-the power had gone out, so now we had nothing...no radio, no lights, nothing.  After it finally calmed down, we got up, gathered some candles and sat at the table in the dark, looking at the lightening still flashing outside, and then we started to see cars, many of them, driving down our street.  We saw a firetruck with firemen, and the firemen were actually checking on all of us to see if we were okay.  They did house checks on everyone in our small town to make sure all were accounted for, and it was such a great feeling to know there were people who wanted to check on you, to make sure you were okay.  It was much later and then my husband suggested we start up the generator (we have a small one that can power up necessities) so we did, and after about a half an hour (this is in the early mornings) the lights finally came on, and we were finally able to go to bed to rest...

The next morning, pictures of the tornadoes (all over Minnesota) were devastating.  We had branches and trees down in our area, but nothing like the horrendous pictures we saw in other areas.  I was grateful we survived, but felt for the others who had lost their homes, and saying prayers for those who did not make it out of this tremendous storm.  All said, I read that there were more than 60 sightings of tornadoes in our state.  All over the state, and in Southern MN there was a large cluster.  We did make it through, and will continue on and take care of what we have to..

All About The Mind

Here's my thought for today,

Not much to say today..it's been a series of ups and downs today.  Mostly downs...not sure why but I know this too, shall pass.  Some financial issues (doesn't everyone have them these days???) but my husband tells me not to worry, so I'm trying.  It's a struggle, but I need to stay positive.  Old feelings came back, the anger, the grief, (yes!) and the pain of loss.  My future is bright, but still have trouble letting go of the past.

Later,